I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
