Just fell off a train. Bad.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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