i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
