if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
