i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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