EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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