he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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