My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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