I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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