i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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