Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
