good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
