i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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