someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
