I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
