can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
