oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dicks are not precious.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
