I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
ttyl tear gas
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
