alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
