well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
