My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
