So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
