I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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