Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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