Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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