I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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