I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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