Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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