using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
