im drinking this country out of the recession.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Damn victory sex feels great
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
