Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Everyone says I win the strip club
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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