Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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