2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Boobs are out for the taking
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
