Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
