I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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