SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
