dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
