I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
