if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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