My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
