You just made me feel so damn special
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
