fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
