i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
