TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
