well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
