I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
