She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
