i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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