dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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