my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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